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modernmuse42
23 March 2011 @ 09:40 pm
Hello, My old friend, Rejection. I thought that I kicked you out of my life. Now, you are back spoiling completely my Spring Break. I hope that you die in a fire.
Thanks, emc

People are totally pissing me off and I see how things are now. Clearly. I see the lines drawn in the sand. People are so disappointing. I expected a little more. I expected that someone would speak up for me. No, that would be asking too much in this world. Really? No one had my back? Everyone thought so badly of me. No one thought or asked what was wrong. I didn't want to start this. I wanted to keep quiet. You forced me into this little corner and I fought back. What did you expect? Can things go back to the way that they were? I'm not sure, but I can pretend for now that everything is ok. I dream about leaving now. Not much keeping me here. No family. Friends are dwindling down. What is keeping me here after all? The con? After this, I'm not sure if it's going to be enough. So a thought has been floating around my head if the next few things don't work out for me either. Maybe a time for a break?
 
 
modernmuse42
08 January 2011 @ 12:55 pm
It just figures. I was happy for a little bit. Really enjoying life and what I was doing. School has some politicking going on and had some points of stress with students, but it was still working. Students were improving their reading skills and most likely scores. Progress and it was exciting! Anime and Manga Club was fun and we had a core group of 10 show up every week with plus or minus 3. The kids got a fun alternative and were wishing they could have club every day. I was getting a real sense of satisfaction from it. Then it crashed around me again.  Our school lost our grant which is used to pay for my position. Just because the population around the school dropped in the poverty level.  Now, I'm going to have to start looking for a job again and filling out applications and such again. I love the school so much. To start all over again. It just sucks. I feel bad for the 7th graders who love the Anime and Manga club because no other teacher will take it over.  It's so disheartening. I was so freaked out about how to tell my parents. I called Tom and asked him what to do. He told me to wait. Wait until I was settled and I hear back from HR about some  options.  They will worry excessively and what is the point of all that worry? I want to show them that I'm an adult and can handle things. Though I really shouldn't focus so much on that. God will take care of it. My friend told me that maybe I'm like Marry Poppins. Maybe by the end of the school year, I'll feel like the work is done. I don't feel like my work is done so that makes it harder. Well, just got to think about the next stage in my life.
 
 
modernmuse42
16 December 2010 @ 09:35 pm
I wish I was fearless. That I didn't have these anxieties and worries. That I didn't let my doubts break into my heart. That I could go out and try new things and speak to people. That I could be open with people. My words are peanut butter stuck in my throat. I've felt evil. I've felt its presence in my life and yet I'm still afraid of so many tedious and mundane things. Why? To be still trapped in this bubble. I don't want to wait until the New Year to make changes. Changes are acomin'
 
 
modernmuse42
14 December 2010 @ 08:15 pm
I feel so overwhelmed. I don't know how to quote explain it all. It's something that I don't think that people who aren't teacher would understand. I know that in my brain that I will be able to make it to Friday, but Friday feels so far away. I have so much work to do over break. I've come this far and I feel exactly how I felt when I started last year. How is this even possible? Why have things turned out like this? After the convention, things just kept building up. The death of the teacher at South who I knew from when I student taught there. Some particularly hard days. No one understands what I do at the school. I don't even understand what my role is. One of my student's older sister has been missing for over a week and a half. The roller coaster of emotions. I really wish that I had some friends who are teachers that taught outside of my school. Kathy has been silent on my e-mails and I'm worried about that. I wonder if it's true about the rumor that she and her husband are splitting up. I don't know how to ask that. Just three more days. I can do this.  I will do this. I always seem to manage somehow.
 
 
modernmuse42
02 November 2010 @ 08:07 pm
It's been awhile since I've been on here. I've thought about posting once or twice, but I thought that the venting wouldn't help me focus on the positive things in life. Somethings over the last month have hurt me. I'm trying to reconcile a few things. It's not easy. The realization hit that I really needed to use my voice even if nothing changed. But I tried. Sometimes, it just breaks my heart to be a middle school teacher. My heart bled so much for this child that i just wanted to cry in the middle of class. The pain and isolation. It's not easy to balance that some students needed to be left alone with showing that they don't have to feel like they are alone. It's really hard to keep everything balanced this close to con time. I like to put things in compartments. It's a problem that I have with openess, but sometimes, I can fake that.

Con time is almost here and people are like OMG!! What are we going to be doing?!!!  Over 2,000 people this year! We had more people preregister than attended in 08. We've doubled numbers in 2 years! Score! I hope that continues. Or maybe even 3,000 people next year. What? Did I just say that? Anime NebrasKon Rules!!!!!
 
 
 
modernmuse42
01 September 2010 @ 08:10 pm
The fight for optimism is hard battle, but certainly worth it. I think that I'm allowed to be a mopey for a day or two and then time to move onto the next thing. Car problems again seem so out of control. Everyone is saying that I should get a car, but I want to save up and get a car. I don't want to spend five years on loans. I want to get a down payment that will take care of most of the car. I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. But apparently, I'm the oddball that doesn't think taking on debt is a good thing. I will not budge and go with my original estimation date. I will start looking at cars in May and by June or July, I will buy one. I should save up by that time a sizeable chunk. But let me tell you, my life could be a reality show. My life is super interesting and way more awesome than the crap that's on right now. My car breaks down on Thursday, I had to wait an hour to get it towed. Had various people talk to me. The people that towed my car were the same ones that towed it last year! The next day, my roommate is driving me from school to pick up my car, runs over something in the road, strange noises come from the car, we pull over and her back tire is shredded. She had to get it towed. I called her mom and asked her to take me to my car before the shop closed. Way funnier than these "reality tv shows" Then all the craziness from that and some other issues from school hit me while we were eating dinner at Red Robin and I just start crying. But it wasn't full on hysterical though. I managed to keep it under control. Some ice cream and the reboot of Star Trek on Blue ray with surround sound picked me up. It was interesting because I knew that I wouldn't bring my car home on Thursday. I really wished that I had paid closer attention like I should have. In the morning, I even got out of my car and back into the house to wake my roommate up to take my to school. But I was like oh no I'm being silly and ridiculous. When I got to school, I knew even though it wasn't making sounds again. It flashed in my brain that I wasn't bringing my car home.

Parade on Saturday was awesome. Tiring, but fun. Two girls randomly joined us. That was cool. Sunday I lounged around. Also fun. School has been hectic. It's been hard trying to get a handle of things when everything is shifting so much. But there's not much that I can do about it. I'm doing the best that I can. I'm helping when I can. That's all that I can really do.
 
 
modernmuse42
23 July 2010 @ 01:21 pm
Becky and I are going to be hosting two panels at OsFest! The first one is free candy for Mad Scientist. We will fund your next doomsday device with candy since candy equal currency in the panel. It's interactive. I hope that people will participate in it. We've got stuff so people can make a drawing or make a model. Our evil organization is MOLE (The Malevolent Otaku League of Evil). Then people will present their ideas. It's kind of like Shark Tank but much wackier. Our second one is How to be an Evil Overlord. That's going to be on Saturday night. We did this one for Constellation and went over pretty well. Lathan wanted to be added into the mix. I don't know how that is going to work out. Hopefully, Lathan won't want to talk too much. We like our panels interactive. My costumes are steampunk angel on Saturday and an incomplete zombie bear on Sunday. I'll wear my NebKon shirt today. I still have so much stuff to do. Make fliers and get candy and pack. Yikes. At least laundry is now finished. I only half way unpacked from Natsucon. Artemis is going Darth Vader, Steampunk, and then mini zombie bear.

I never made a Natsucon update. It was fun. The rave was cool. I met a ton of interesting people including the League of Gay Dancers and they were hilarious. I convinced them that I could turn Ben into a bear. It was so funny. I loved it. Ben also went crazy funny at the rave. Too bad that we didn't get more blackmail pictures. Maybe we will have to revive the get to know your staff panel aka blackmail panel. Lol. Then Anime Iowa next week and then school. Yikes!
 
 
Current Music: Cranberries "No Need to Argue"
 
 
modernmuse42
29 June 2010 @ 12:04 am
Glad to be back in Omaha. It was quite the adventure to get back home, but I made it! Yay! Had some good quality time with some friends over the last few days. I'm gonna really focus on the positive right now. I don't want to be part of any of this drama. I refuse to be sucked in by anything right now. My arms are so pink. I'm back in Omaha one day and outside for 2 hrs and I burn. I spent four hours wandering around in the Texas sun and nothing. Stupid weather. It totally hates me. I went to a really awesome concert that featured music from John Williams. He wrote the music to Star Wars and so many other popular movies like Superman and Harry Potter. They had lazer lights and fireworks. So awesome!

I've got to get focused on my summer projects.  Finish my amigurumi armies and finish up my zombie bear costume. Work on my stories. I've got to finish editing one story and work on another. I got this picture of my head of a girl running in the snow. Just somethings have been running in my head and I have to see it out. Should be interesting to see if it will work out like I run through in my head.
 
 
modernmuse42
14 June 2010 @ 07:27 pm
I am so pissed off. No one will step up and help out? That's totally what I was afraid of. This is getting to be a disaster. I should not plan any more events because something is always going wrong. It's not my fault that this Nebraska weather is so unpredicatable. I warned the others that I wouldn't make it to the rain date and people said that it was going to be fine, but now I can't get anyone to help out with this damn food for the BBQ or the supplies. No one is offering to help Ben set up early on Saturday. I need people to come to the house and get the food and take it down. This is going to be bad. I should have went with my instinct and held the bbq, but the others thought it was a bad idea. For all this extra work that I have done and gone through to help with the BBQ, the least someone can do is help me out once. Plus, all the comments. My day is shot. My time has been wasted. This sucks. You should have checked the Farmers' Almanac and the Angry Asian made some really snarky comments. I hate it all. I nearly put a post on facebook. Thanks for all the lovely and wonderful comments and messages that I have read. You guys are really awesome and supportive. Just to be very clear, this is sarcasm. I'd stay away from facebook if I didn't have to try to get some help for Ben. Just sign out and not deal with these stupid ass people. These supposed friends. Maybe it's time for a purge after the weekend.

Plus, it's not like I'm going for all fun and games to Texas. I'm going to see my parents. That's not fun. There's a certain amount of dread that I'm now faced with after dealing with all this stupid bbq stuff that is building inside of me. Well, I feel a little better for having written this out. I'm off to make some phone calls and pressure people more about the bbq.
 
 
modernmuse42
07 June 2010 @ 12:05 am
Why do people get obsessed over drama? Drama is not good and can hurt people. It's hard when people that you know kind of get thrown into things. My advice is to detach yourself and don't get sucked in. Don't respond. Just withdraw. Though it's easy for me. I've had practice on ducking and covering. Bite your lips and in the end it's just easier to say nothing. So I'm not saying anything, but I'm sorry for all the people that are in that situation. You are literally destroying your lives in a horrifying soul scaring manner. I will pray for you and for light to fill up the dark corners of your soul. I pray that you come to some sense before the harm becomes irreparable. 

Arizona was interesting. There were a lot more mountains than I was expecting. I thought that when we got out to the Grand Canyon there would be some, but I was surprised. In some ways, it reminded me of the mountains in Greece, but much smoother roads. Lol. Dan and Nicole are so cute together. Dan is really luck to have found someone that awesome. As Becky and I have talked, if he can find someone than we should be able to find that special someone.  It essentially only takes one. I got to visit the Sanrio store, also. It was so pretty. The outside window had a giant hello Kitty. I told Lauren that it was like she was waving just to me. Lauren was all like she's waving to everyone.

I've been working on my random craft projects. I've got to focus on my writing this week. My steampunk is about 95% complete. I've got to decide whether to keep the skirt symmetrical or asymmetrical. My wings are finished and look pretty awesome. I've got to say that I've slightly impressed myself. Usually, I'm like my project is ok, but this is pretty cool. I'm going to get in the full get up and take some pictures soon and as soon as I see my roommate to take the picture. Now, I've got to get Zombie bear finished. I've got quite the con circuit this summer. Natsucon, Osfest, and Anime Iowa. Cosplay BBQ on Sunday, too. Should be interesting.